REMINDER: I wrote this a week ago
after one of the hardest weeks I've ever had at Whitworth. It's not about
the whining, but the lesson at the end.
I've started 3 different blogs
tonight; all of them a jumbled mess of words to reveal what’s going on in my
head. Life is kicking my butt. The adventure I talked about in my
last blog is turning out to be a huge challenge. I thought I had a good
grasp of what was coming. I did. It's what I didn't see coming that
is causing my mind to churn over and over. Over the last 3 years I
figured out how to leave work at work, tune out the work thoughts when I got
home. This year hasn't been so easy. In the limited number of days
off I've had thus far, I still work. Athletes don't sleep so I guess they
think I shouldn't either. There are a variety of things that keep my mind
busy. I have high expectations for what I want our program to look like.
I'm trying to take the giant step all at once, to deal with everything
right now because I'm a right now person. I want to fix our student
issues and bring my staff alongside me and help my athletes and pick up other
athletes as people adjust to new settings and expand our medical network and
change the culture of how much we work and change our coverage and mentor a few
students and figure out how to get students to see the little things, to be
extraordinary in ordinary, to be better every day and to catch up on my
paperwork and to be in the know for what’s going on with all our athletes and
to tape everyone possible and to teach our students and to build relationships
with athletes and students and to start a rehab time and to convey the same
message to everyone who become selfish about their own teams at the cost of
athletic trainers and to...... I think you understand what it looks like in my
head right now. I'm a mess and I need to figure it out.
So what has all the above cost me?
A social life, physical activity, nutrition, mental stability (as if I
ever had it) and joy. Yep, I said joy. Crazy to think that at one
point for numerous years I lived without knowing what true joy was. I
found it a few years back and it changed my whole outlook on life. So the
question now is how I found it and how do I find it again. Don't get me
wrong, I'm stressed but most of this is just me whining out loud. I'm
sure anyone who has been around me in the last month will tell you how good at
whining I am. In fact, you know its bad when random people ask how my
life is and I shoot back with a 5 minute monologue ending in "woe is
me". Its not ok. I know it's not helping. I'm just
trying to find my way out.
As I look back to last year and how
I was able to find balance, I begin to ponder what is so different about now.
Time. Yes time is always an issue, but over the last few years I
have lived by the motto that you make time for the things you want to make time
for. I tried to do that recently in my love life and that didn't workout
so well but in the end, time isn't the issue. Stress. Well yeah,
stress sucks. It's how I deal with it that matters. Right now I
have a poor attitude about the challenges and that isn't helping me work
through things.
I went on a hike last week on my half day
off and figured out what I was missing. It was so obvious. It was
the light ahead of me, but I decided to turn and face the darkness to try to
solve everything. My joy is missing because I have made the true source
of joy absent. I use to try to take time each day to spend with God, to
learn a lesson from the bible, a book or podcast. I haven't done that
since training camp in August. When I've tried, I let my mind worry about
the things above. I'm so afraid of failing that I have pushed God out to
try and do it all on my own. What a dumb idea!!!!!! I've let this
"me" attitude affect my life in a lot of areas, to see things as so
negative. This isn't the me I wanted to be around this year or ever
again. It isn't the me that God has been working on over the last few
years, the me that allowed joy to take over my heart and in turn it changed how
I treated people and how I acted when stressed or challenged. That is
the me I want to find again and to do it, the answer is simple: Find
Jesus again. He hasn't left me. I feel like it's that infamous line
"it’s not you it’s me". Granted, this adds another challenge to
the many I have in front of me. However, it matters far more than any of
the others. As I type this, I feel a weight being lifted from me.
It felt like that "ah ha" moment and floods my mind with so
many happy thoughts and the idea of welcoming each challenge, each new day
because I know I'm going at it with Him by my side.
I look forward to the challenges each new days brings and the lessons that come. As it's been said "Its not about challenge, it's how we respond to it".
Blessings,
Jon
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