Aaron Leetch

Two weeks ago today, I lost a great friend.  His life was lost in a tragic plan accident.  I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what to say, what to think and how to convey my thoughts.  Anything I wrote the first week was incoherent and full of pure, raw emotions, something I'm not use to nor really knew how to clearly deal with it.  Last week was full of so many other things I couldn't think straight.  Life has slowed down enough in the last few days for me to go over my written thoughts from the last few weeks.  My biggest deterrent in putting this out is that I will never have the words to thank Aaron for the so many things he did for me.  I'll never be able to express the level of my gratitude to him and his family for all those nights they let me hang out at their house.  In the end, I know its ok.  I know on some level he knew because that was Aaron. He knew things, said the right things at the right time and was excellent at building relationships. This was evident by the 700-800 people that attended his visitation in Normal.  I arrived at 5:30 that day and just sat in the stands watching the line slowly creep forward.  People stood in line for hours to pay their respects to him, but also to tell him family stories of how Aaron impacted their lives, how much they respected him and express their sorrow.  The visitation was scheduled from 4-7, but it last much longer than that.  I believe the family finally left the arena at 11, meaning they were talking to people, hearing stories and celebrating Aaron's life for 7 hours.  Crazy.  Unreal.  Amazing.  I'm so glad I was able to spend at least two years with him and to hear about how he impacted many others lives as much, if not more, than mine.  What an incredible, faith filled man he was.  He loved his family more than anything, he loved to win (a lot), but most importantly he loved Jesus.  It took me until after his funeral to fully comprehend that my friend Aaron is sitting in heaven and that makes me smile.  There is a good chance he is looking in a mirror right now thinking "so this is what I would look like with hair".  He would then turn from that mirror and find one of his favorite beers, whiskey and/or wine and watch every Baylor win ever.  I smile when I think of that.  I smile having the confidence of where he is.  Praise God for that. 

There were many things that impacted me over the last few weeks, but if I were to write about all of them, it would take me forever and no one would read it.  So I will highlight 3 that seemed to say the most to me.

From the time I found out on Tuesday morning until I gave Lindsay (his wife) a hug at the visitation, there was a message God seemed to be trying to get through to me.  My close friend Dan was the first to tell me of Aaron's passing.  We immediately prayed.  Later on we met to talk, well, mostly cry together.  During that time, he said some very important words "Aaron loved you".  At the time I didn't think much of it.  We attended a prayer vigil later that afternoon.  Our university president was there and gave me a great hug.  The first thing he said to me was "Aaron loved you".  Oddly enough it was the 3rd time I had heard that message that day.  The next time I heard it was 3 days later in Normal, talking with Lindsay's mom in the visitation line.  She was very surprised to see me and embraced me with one of the greatest hugs I have ever had.  She said those same words "Aaron loved you".  I fought back tears, which I had been doing a lot of.  After talking to her, I turned and there was Lindsay, with Emmerson, who ran up and gave me another one of the greatest hugs of my life.  I'm glad she remembered me.  I then turned to Lindsay and gave her a huge hug.  The first thing she said to me was "Thank you so much for coming".  The second, "Aaron loved you".  SMACK.  It finally hit me.  I finally understood.  I didn't have to text him everyday or call him every week because when we did talk or did hang out, it was like we were never apart.  That's the way our friendship was.  This washed away all my regret because we both knew where we stood with each other.  Thank you God for using such smart people around me to get the point across.  

The second impact was that of the community of the Bloomington-Normal.  As much as we at Whitworth have been grieving the the loss of Aaron, a community is suffering from the loss of multiple influential individuals.  It took  me traveling to Normal to fully understand the loss in the community.  As I was in line for the visitation, I overheard one gentleman talk about how 4 of the guys on that plane were his tailgating buddies.  4….. he lost 4 people he was close to.  Speechless.  I couldn't even begin to understand what that guy and, surely, many people from that community were and still are experiencing.  I read a great article from the local paper there that I believe is more powerful than anything I could write.  You can find it here.

The greatest lesson I have learned thus far is the power of God in times of anger and pain.  I pray I never have to go through the death of a spouse.  My heart breaks daily thinking about the pain, anger and agony Lindsay is going through.  Their story makes it even worse.  She was brave enough to stand and speak at Aaron’s funeral.  She started off by praying, asking God for the words to say because she had no idea what to say.  After telling the group that they were in a very good place in their marriage, she expressed her anger, her deep sorrow at losing her husband.  She then proceeded to say that she wasn't angry at God.  That her faith, like her husbands, was the only thing that was going to help her through this unthinkable time and for those in the room who didn't have a faith, they should come talk to her because this could happen to them tomorrow and without Jesus, they couldn't make it through.  WOW!!!  God used her to witness during undoubtedly the hardest and most painful time in her life.  And she stood up there proclaiming the name of Jesus.  I was at a loss for words.  I could just picture Aaron watching, smiling and thinking “that’s my wife”.  Not only did she express this at the funeral, but had this Facebook the following day

“I spoke of this at his funeral but it's worth repeating. Aaron wasn't planning to die that day. He was supposed to come home. He was supposed to continue on doing life with us. My heart is broken and right now it's hard to see beyond one day at a time. But know this- Aaron is in heaven. He was prepared for that. He may not have known when his time would come but he knew where he would be when it did. We never think something like this will happen to us, I never did, but know that it certainly can. If you walk out your door today and never return, where will you spend eternity? Do you have that hope, that certainty? If you do not, find me. I want to talk to you. I want you to have that same hope and comfort. We serve a loving God and he wants nothing more than to give you the gift of eternal life.”

God is doing amazing things through this tragedy.  He is using the one person most effected to spread the gospel.  I only hope that if I face something of this magnitude, that I can do it with the strength and courage that Lindsay is showing.  She grienves.  She cries.  She is angry, but not at God.  Instead, she is praising Him.  It's an incredible testament of her faith and how God is good all the time.

If you look, life lessons can be taught everyday.  This last week I have been humbled by my weakness.  My pride has been struck down.  My tears have flown freely.  I grieve for the loss of my friend, yet I smile knowing he is in heaven.  My heart is broken for his family, yet I’m in awe at how God is holding onto and using Lindsay.  I’m saddened for the community that lost so much, but encouraged by the outpouring of support of each of the families of the victims.  God is working in so many ways in each of our lives each day.  Take a moment, look for yourself.  Can you see what He is doing for you, what He is preparing you for?  I’m thankful God put Aaron into my life.  I’m thankful he is heaven.  Can’t wait to see him there.  Love and miss you buddy. 

Jon

Burdens

As usual, this is the third time I've tried to express my thoughts in this blog.  The rewrites are killing me, but in the end, hopefully, it will be better for my 5 readers, 4 of which are family members.  It's been a rough few months.  There really isn't a better way to put it.  So much change has gone on.  You would think by now I would consider change the normal, but I can't.  I still struggle with it when it has a perceived negative effect on me or those around me.  Change in the last few months has involved the ending of a relationship, the moving on of a friend and mentor and the adding of another unknown for me.  I thought about bearing my soul in this blog, but as I have moved away from the pain, the hurt, the feeling of being alone, I realized those feelings were a result of me being selfish and not looking in the right direction.  I am working on living a life of transparency, but I don't feel like being vulnerable in a blog is really the kind of transparency I desire.  So I won't go into great detail about the issues, but focus more on the good things that have come out of them.

I guess the first discussion should be about my single life.  It was a big deal to announce via Facebook a that I was in a relationship.  I won't bore you with the details of how it all happened, but lets just say I was so excited to be in a relationship again.  It's something I have desired for a long time and I was very picky about who it was going to be.  The 4 months it lasted (Yes, I'm a counter) was awesome.  There were issues of course, but nothing that seemed to difficult to overcome.  It was emotionally intense and caused me to be extremely vulnerable, which, as many of you know, is tough for me to do.  As tough as it was, it was so good.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt a variety of emotions or at least let them show through.  I was happy, honestly happy and my co-workers, student's and athletes can attest to that.  Everyone's lives were made easier.  It was totally worth it to spend my 1 day a week (sometimes) in the Tri-cities continuing to work and grow a relationship to see where it would go.  Then all of a sudden that was finished.  The timing of the break up was less than ideal.  In fact, it was straight up shitty.  My stress level was already high and this just sent me into an emotional mess.  Yes, Jon Bosh was an emotional mess.  That's what relationship do to me and I couldn't be more thankful for that.  I spent 4 weeks in my own head trying to figure out what I did wrong.  In the end, which has taken me a while to accept, it wasn't anything I did or didn't do.  It just wasn't suppose to be.  This is where trust in God's plan comes in.  Once I realized this and spent some time with her again (we went to Wicked because I bought her tickets and she still wanted to go with me, another story for another time) I realized that as happy as I was with her, God has a bigger plan.  I'll be the first to say that I hate when people tell me that.  In fact, as we single people know, the saying "it's just not Gods timing yet" makes me want yell at the top of our lungs and it the moment is likley one of teh least hepful things that can be said eve if in the end it's so true.  I have so many things to be thankful for in that relationship.  It taught me about sacrifice, vulnerability, helped me find my emotions again (or at least be better at expressing them in healthy ways), joy, trust and so much more.  The benefits far outweighed the negatives.  Are there things I wished I did better?  Of course.  In the end I'm still sinful and, as I like to say, I still suck, but she helped me understand how to move on from that and be better.

The second huge stress during that 4 weeks was the AD search at Whitworth.  I can't go into much detail about it, but lets just say that for 3 days I didn't each much and slept even less.  My stomach was churning 24/7 with the thought that for the second time in as many years I was on a search committee that had a close personal friend as one of the finalist.  In the end, neither got the job.  There were parts of this search that hurt deep down, which is why I was so stressed.  It wasn't so much the weight of the decision, but more of my interaction with people during the process.  I walked away angry at times and hurt others.  In the end, God's will was done and I'm thankful for that.  It hurts to say goodbye to a friend and mentor in Mel, but I am excited to see her move into administration at a great institution next year.  This is another big lesson to trust in God's plan, that it is better than our own idea.

Over the course of the year I have forgotten how to deal with stress.  I finally had it worked out in 2012-2013 because life seemed to "normalize" a bit.  This year was just so different and the many, many things that happened completely caught me off guard and trying to learn to deal with the stress just took a back seat for a while.  These two situations in the 4 week time period were no different.  I actually regressed and dealt with stress very poorly.  I see that clearly now and am working diligently to fix the problems.  I think the thing that hit me the most and that I talked the most about was the loneliness feeling.  I've had the majority of my close friends move away in the last few years and each time I feel like I have to start over finding friends.  It's not that the friend that move away aren't still there for me, but its a proximity thing.  That only piled on the stress.  I wasn't sleeping through the night.  I was waking up ever couple of hours.  I was constantly sick, which NEVER happens.  I finally decided it was enough and I had to figure out how to deal with this stuff.  It helped that both the relationship ending and the AD search were done and had been for some time.  I'm a believer that time heals.  Well, it's at least a component.  The other is to give up.  Wait, did he just say give up?  I did.  I'm giving up on worrying about all this stuff.  I'm giving up letting it get to me.  I'm giving up taking it personal.  Why you ask?  Because in the end, it's not up to me.  God's plan is His plan.  It will be done no matter what I do.  Yes, I have free will and have decision to make, but through prayer, time in the word and time/conversations with friends will help lead me to those right choices.  As I stated in a previous blog, I choose the good and I choose to be happy with my circumstances.

I usually have some advice or something else to add at this point, but tonight, I don't.  I just want anyone reading this to choose to be good.  Choose happy and truly take those things in your life that are causing you strife and stress to the foot of the cross because Jesus is waiting.  He is waiting to bare that burden so you don't have to.  It's easier said than done, but I promise, if you can give it up to Him, the feeling is amazing.

Blessings,

Jon

Peace

I've had a few people tell me its been a while since my last post.  Makes me think I actually have readers :).  There has been so many things going on that I just haven't had the time to sit down and share my thoughts.  Today was the first day I've taken time to breathe and not think.  Its been hard to turn my mind off over the last 5 months as I figure out how to do this new position I've been in.  Things haven't been simple, but then again, life never seems to be.  The stress took its toll on me as I've been sick with one virus or another since early December.  In the midst of all this stress, somehow I started a relationship, which has been amazing.  Her name is Erica.  She has listened to me whine, put up with my antics and teaches me what compassion is.  I could write a whole blog on her, but now isn't the time.  As great as the relationships has been, it has brought its challenges as well.  Being long distance isn't always easy.  Top all of that with multiple family members with health concerns.  Some things are never easy to deal with and trying to cope will all of this at once is tough.  Don't worry, I'm doing ok with it all.  Remember I use my blog to think out loud.  Today was another tough one.  A tough conversation with Erica, work, stress from work, more information from family.  Not exactly the nice day of rest I was hoping for.  However, in the midst of all that is going on, I found peace today.  It's been snowing in Spokane for about 10 hours.  I was able to just sit and be still, watching the snow fall outside for an hour, soaking in the beauty of winter, the beauty and calmness of snow falling.  No cars, no kids, no phone, no technology, just an hour of watching, not thinking, being with God.  It was one of those moments where you are with someone, but don't have to say anything, you just sit and be with each other.  It was unbelievably refreshing.  The snow is simply amazing.  Can't say I'm a huge fan of it here on March 1st, but the freshness it brings to me is very much welcomed.  I have a hard time keeping God in my focus in all aspects of my life, especially with all that is going on right now.  I've tried to read books, spend quiet time, do devotionals and so many other things, but it has been just going through the motions and I haven't gained much from it.  I've been missing my time outside, where I feel closest to God.  

I already feel more refreshed than I have in a while.  It's been a great reminder.  Peace is not something I always think about but truly miss it when I find it again. I hope you finding peace in your life, taking the time to seek it out and finding Jesus in that time. I hope your finding Jesus in all the moments. I leave with my verse of the day from John 14:27 "Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"

Where did it go?

REMINDER: I wrote this a week ago after one of the hardest weeks I've ever had at Whitworth.  It's not about the whining, but the lesson at the end.

I've started 3 different blogs tonight; all of them a jumbled mess of words to reveal what’s going on in my head.  Life is kicking my butt.  The adventure I talked about in my last blog is turning out to be a huge challenge.  I thought I had a good grasp of what was coming.  I did.  It's what I didn't see coming that is causing my mind to churn over and over.  Over the last 3 years I figured out how to leave work at work, tune out the work thoughts when I got home.  This year hasn't been so easy.  In the limited number of days off I've had thus far, I still work.  Athletes don't sleep so I guess they think I shouldn't either.  There are a variety of things that keep my mind busy.  I have high expectations for what I want our program to look like.  I'm trying to take the giant step all at once, to deal with everything right now because I'm a right now person.  I want to fix our student issues and bring my staff alongside me and help my athletes and pick up other athletes as people adjust to new settings and expand our medical network and change the culture of how much we work and change our coverage and mentor a few students and figure out how to get students to see the little things, to be extraordinary in ordinary, to be better every day and to catch up on my paperwork and to be in the know for what’s going on with all our athletes and to tape everyone possible and to teach our students and to build relationships with athletes and students and to start a rehab time and to convey the same message to everyone who become selfish about their own teams at the cost of athletic trainers and to...... I think you understand what it looks like in my head right now.  I'm a mess and I need to figure it out.

So what has all the above cost me?  A social life, physical activity, nutrition, mental stability (as if I ever had it) and joy.  Yep, I said joy.  Crazy to think that at one point for numerous years I lived without knowing what true joy was.  I found it a few years back and it changed my whole outlook on life.  So the question now is how I found it and how do I find it again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm stressed but most of this is just me whining out loud.  I'm sure anyone who has been around me in the last month will tell you how good at whining I am.  In fact, you know its bad when random people ask how my life is and I shoot back with a 5 minute monologue ending in "woe is me".  Its not ok.  I know it's not helping.  I'm just trying to find my way out.  

As I look back to last year and how I was able to find balance, I begin to ponder what is so different about now.  Time.  Yes time is always an issue, but over the last few years I have lived by the motto that you make time for the things you want to make time for.  I tried to do that recently in my love life and that didn't workout so well but in the end, time isn't the issue.  Stress.  Well yeah, stress sucks.  It's how I deal with it that matters.  Right now I have a poor attitude about the challenges and that isn't helping me work through things.

I went on a hike last week on my half day off and figured out what I was missing.  It was so obvious. It was the light ahead of me, but I decided to turn and face the darkness to try to solve everything.  My joy is missing because I have made the true source of joy absent.  I use to try to take time each day to spend with God, to learn a lesson from the bible, a book or podcast.  I haven't done that since training camp in August.  When I've tried, I let my mind worry about the things above.  I'm so afraid of failing that I have pushed God out to try and do it all on my own.  What a dumb idea!!!!!!  I've let this "me" attitude affect my life in a lot of areas, to see things as so negative.  This isn't the me I wanted to be around this year or ever again.  It isn't the me that God has been working on over the last few years, the me that allowed joy to take over my heart and in turn it changed how I treated people and how I acted when stressed or challenged.   That is the me I want to find again and to do it, the answer is simple:  Find Jesus again.  He hasn't left me.  I feel like it's that infamous line "it’s not you it’s me".  Granted, this adds another challenge to the many I have in front of me.  However, it matters far more than any of the others.  As I type this, I feel a weight being lifted from me.  It felt like that "ah ha" moment and floods my mind with so many happy thoughts and the idea of welcoming each challenge, each new day because I know I'm going at it with Him by my side.

I look forward to the challenges each new days brings and the lessons that come.  As it's been said "Its not about challenge, it's how we respond to it".

Blessings,

Jon

Changes

It's been a busy last few months.  I have done a lot, but a lot has changed in my life.  I'll focus more on changes in this blog and tell you about my adventures in another at a later time.  

Every time I see the word changes, the Tupac song starts going off in my head.  I can pretty much sing the whole thing. There is my random thought for the blog.  Back to it......  the changes around me have been crazy. These changes are effecting my career and personal life.  So many things have been changing over the last few years, but I think the peak has hit in the last month.  

Whitworth has been know for the longevity of its staff and faculty.  There is typically very little turnover.  I remember my first couple of years in our opening department retreat and everyone in the room had been there 10 or more years.  There were a few of us under that, but that speaks a lot for the department.  However, over the last few years we have replaced a number of coaches, staff and a few administrators.  Softball seems to be a revolving door so not too many surprises when that coach left after a few years.  Our Men's basketball coach took off after a very successful 10 years.  This year, one of the longest serving coaches, Sean Bushey resigned.  He has a great opportunity to do something new and be close to his brother and son coaching for the Colorado rush.  Cheree Sauer and Todd Sandberg have also left the department.  The loss of these 3 has hit me the hardest since I worked closely with all 3 and have tremendous respect for the things they have done for the athletic department and the student athletes they serve.  I'm glad I was able to work with Sean, a man who goal was to successful playing the beautiful game, but also develop young men that would be contributors to society.  Todd and Cheree truly cared for the student athletes they served and they will be missed by all.  After getting the news that these 3 were leaving this year, my best friends asked to meet me for coffee before a round of birthday golf.  He wouldn't let me buy the coffee.  In fact, he was adamant about it, which gave me the idea that he was about to tell me something big.  Sure enough, a month later he was on his was to Phoenix for a new job.  And then there was more...... I have built a good relationship with our new AD and his family.  They invited me up to dinner often and I would go hang out with them.  For some reason his wife allowed me to be around.  I was around so much that his girls took a liking to me, but in the end, as most of you are aware, he took a job at his old place of employment.  It's a fantastic move for him and his family.  It was God's plan for him as things have just fallen into place as they prepare to move. Nothing like selling your house in 24 hours and having one ready to buy within a few days of house shopping.  God is good!!  You would think I would be use to change as I lose a senior class every year for each of the sports I work with.  This year's class hit a little harder as one of the athletes I worked with the most graduated.  I spent countless hours treating this kid.  In fact, I have spent countless hours treating numerous members of the same family.  When you spend so much time with an individual you're bound to build a friendship.  This family is comprised of extraordinary people and I am glad I had the opportunity to work with their kids.  

It seems to me that with change comes more changes.  As our AD left, it opened up opportunities for others.  Melinda Larson, my boss, was named Interim Athletic Director.  This is a full time job and I'm confident she will do very well.  After being promoted, all signs seem to point that she has the chance of making it a full time gig by removing the interim tag.  With her promotion, that left the head athletic trainer position vacant.  I was asked to take on the roll on an interim basis.  I asked what would happen if I said no and was told it wasn't an option.  It's not like I was going to turn it down :).  This gets me a step closer to reaching one of my career goals.  However, it's still scary.  I'm taking over a program that been success for years and doing it with an entirely new staff.  We have hired two individuals to replace Cheree and Todd and are in the process of hiring 1 more to replace Mel.  I'm taking over at a time with 2 new head coaches and an athletic department that has been changing rapidly over the last 4 years.  I'm up for the challenge, but at what cost will this challenge be met.  On one hand I'm just the interim, but on the other I want to make some changes that could drastically effect the way athletic trainers work at Whitworth.  I've been told by many not to pay attention tot he interim tag, to take the program and make changes as if the job is mine to keep.  In the end, if Mel stays as the AD, I stay as the head.  As I venture into this new, scary area, please keep me in your prayers as God and I will be having numerous conversations along the way. 

These career changes will have an effect on my personal life.  I have been getting better at balance work and life.  I was actually more skewed towards life last year, which is unprecedented for an athletic trainer.  I will continue to strive for a healthy balance, but the amount of work I will be doing in the fall will limit some of that.  I'm already looking at a long term schedule to find opportunities to get away.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me asking what your doing on a weekend or if I can come crash at your place :)

As scared as I am about these changes, I am also confident that this is where God wants me.  Over the last two years I have made a point of learning more about the workings of a head athletic trainer.  Mel has given me more responsibility and allowed me in on a few conversations to give me more insights into what a head AT does and the things they deal with.  I already know that my priority will be to make my staff and students successful, to give them the tools they need and to let God lead the way through me.  This is also a huge prayer point for me.    I will have constant reminders that God is good and will focus on that during my first few months as things are crazy busy.  Keep me in your prayers as this new adventure begins.

Blessings,

Jon