Where did it go?

REMINDER: I wrote this a week ago after one of the hardest weeks I've ever had at Whitworth.  It's not about the whining, but the lesson at the end.

I've started 3 different blogs tonight; all of them a jumbled mess of words to reveal what’s going on in my head.  Life is kicking my butt.  The adventure I talked about in my last blog is turning out to be a huge challenge.  I thought I had a good grasp of what was coming.  I did.  It's what I didn't see coming that is causing my mind to churn over and over.  Over the last 3 years I figured out how to leave work at work, tune out the work thoughts when I got home.  This year hasn't been so easy.  In the limited number of days off I've had thus far, I still work.  Athletes don't sleep so I guess they think I shouldn't either.  There are a variety of things that keep my mind busy.  I have high expectations for what I want our program to look like.  I'm trying to take the giant step all at once, to deal with everything right now because I'm a right now person.  I want to fix our student issues and bring my staff alongside me and help my athletes and pick up other athletes as people adjust to new settings and expand our medical network and change the culture of how much we work and change our coverage and mentor a few students and figure out how to get students to see the little things, to be extraordinary in ordinary, to be better every day and to catch up on my paperwork and to be in the know for what’s going on with all our athletes and to tape everyone possible and to teach our students and to build relationships with athletes and students and to start a rehab time and to convey the same message to everyone who become selfish about their own teams at the cost of athletic trainers and to...... I think you understand what it looks like in my head right now.  I'm a mess and I need to figure it out.

So what has all the above cost me?  A social life, physical activity, nutrition, mental stability (as if I ever had it) and joy.  Yep, I said joy.  Crazy to think that at one point for numerous years I lived without knowing what true joy was.  I found it a few years back and it changed my whole outlook on life.  So the question now is how I found it and how do I find it again.  Don't get me wrong, I'm stressed but most of this is just me whining out loud.  I'm sure anyone who has been around me in the last month will tell you how good at whining I am.  In fact, you know its bad when random people ask how my life is and I shoot back with a 5 minute monologue ending in "woe is me".  Its not ok.  I know it's not helping.  I'm just trying to find my way out.  

As I look back to last year and how I was able to find balance, I begin to ponder what is so different about now.  Time.  Yes time is always an issue, but over the last few years I have lived by the motto that you make time for the things you want to make time for.  I tried to do that recently in my love life and that didn't workout so well but in the end, time isn't the issue.  Stress.  Well yeah, stress sucks.  It's how I deal with it that matters.  Right now I have a poor attitude about the challenges and that isn't helping me work through things.

I went on a hike last week on my half day off and figured out what I was missing.  It was so obvious. It was the light ahead of me, but I decided to turn and face the darkness to try to solve everything.  My joy is missing because I have made the true source of joy absent.  I use to try to take time each day to spend with God, to learn a lesson from the bible, a book or podcast.  I haven't done that since training camp in August.  When I've tried, I let my mind worry about the things above.  I'm so afraid of failing that I have pushed God out to try and do it all on my own.  What a dumb idea!!!!!!  I've let this "me" attitude affect my life in a lot of areas, to see things as so negative.  This isn't the me I wanted to be around this year or ever again.  It isn't the me that God has been working on over the last few years, the me that allowed joy to take over my heart and in turn it changed how I treated people and how I acted when stressed or challenged.   That is the me I want to find again and to do it, the answer is simple:  Find Jesus again.  He hasn't left me.  I feel like it's that infamous line "it’s not you it’s me".  Granted, this adds another challenge to the many I have in front of me.  However, it matters far more than any of the others.  As I type this, I feel a weight being lifted from me.  It felt like that "ah ha" moment and floods my mind with so many happy thoughts and the idea of welcoming each challenge, each new day because I know I'm going at it with Him by my side.

I look forward to the challenges each new days brings and the lessons that come.  As it's been said "Its not about challenge, it's how we respond to it".

Blessings,

Jon

Changes

It's been a busy last few months.  I have done a lot, but a lot has changed in my life.  I'll focus more on changes in this blog and tell you about my adventures in another at a later time.  

Every time I see the word changes, the Tupac song starts going off in my head.  I can pretty much sing the whole thing. There is my random thought for the blog.  Back to it......  the changes around me have been crazy. These changes are effecting my career and personal life.  So many things have been changing over the last few years, but I think the peak has hit in the last month.  

Whitworth has been know for the longevity of its staff and faculty.  There is typically very little turnover.  I remember my first couple of years in our opening department retreat and everyone in the room had been there 10 or more years.  There were a few of us under that, but that speaks a lot for the department.  However, over the last few years we have replaced a number of coaches, staff and a few administrators.  Softball seems to be a revolving door so not too many surprises when that coach left after a few years.  Our Men's basketball coach took off after a very successful 10 years.  This year, one of the longest serving coaches, Sean Bushey resigned.  He has a great opportunity to do something new and be close to his brother and son coaching for the Colorado rush.  Cheree Sauer and Todd Sandberg have also left the department.  The loss of these 3 has hit me the hardest since I worked closely with all 3 and have tremendous respect for the things they have done for the athletic department and the student athletes they serve.  I'm glad I was able to work with Sean, a man who goal was to successful playing the beautiful game, but also develop young men that would be contributors to society.  Todd and Cheree truly cared for the student athletes they served and they will be missed by all.  After getting the news that these 3 were leaving this year, my best friends asked to meet me for coffee before a round of birthday golf.  He wouldn't let me buy the coffee.  In fact, he was adamant about it, which gave me the idea that he was about to tell me something big.  Sure enough, a month later he was on his was to Phoenix for a new job.  And then there was more...... I have built a good relationship with our new AD and his family.  They invited me up to dinner often and I would go hang out with them.  For some reason his wife allowed me to be around.  I was around so much that his girls took a liking to me, but in the end, as most of you are aware, he took a job at his old place of employment.  It's a fantastic move for him and his family.  It was God's plan for him as things have just fallen into place as they prepare to move. Nothing like selling your house in 24 hours and having one ready to buy within a few days of house shopping.  God is good!!  You would think I would be use to change as I lose a senior class every year for each of the sports I work with.  This year's class hit a little harder as one of the athletes I worked with the most graduated.  I spent countless hours treating this kid.  In fact, I have spent countless hours treating numerous members of the same family.  When you spend so much time with an individual you're bound to build a friendship.  This family is comprised of extraordinary people and I am glad I had the opportunity to work with their kids.  

It seems to me that with change comes more changes.  As our AD left, it opened up opportunities for others.  Melinda Larson, my boss, was named Interim Athletic Director.  This is a full time job and I'm confident she will do very well.  After being promoted, all signs seem to point that she has the chance of making it a full time gig by removing the interim tag.  With her promotion, that left the head athletic trainer position vacant.  I was asked to take on the roll on an interim basis.  I asked what would happen if I said no and was told it wasn't an option.  It's not like I was going to turn it down :).  This gets me a step closer to reaching one of my career goals.  However, it's still scary.  I'm taking over a program that been success for years and doing it with an entirely new staff.  We have hired two individuals to replace Cheree and Todd and are in the process of hiring 1 more to replace Mel.  I'm taking over at a time with 2 new head coaches and an athletic department that has been changing rapidly over the last 4 years.  I'm up for the challenge, but at what cost will this challenge be met.  On one hand I'm just the interim, but on the other I want to make some changes that could drastically effect the way athletic trainers work at Whitworth.  I've been told by many not to pay attention tot he interim tag, to take the program and make changes as if the job is mine to keep.  In the end, if Mel stays as the AD, I stay as the head.  As I venture into this new, scary area, please keep me in your prayers as God and I will be having numerous conversations along the way. 

These career changes will have an effect on my personal life.  I have been getting better at balance work and life.  I was actually more skewed towards life last year, which is unprecedented for an athletic trainer.  I will continue to strive for a healthy balance, but the amount of work I will be doing in the fall will limit some of that.  I'm already looking at a long term schedule to find opportunities to get away.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me asking what your doing on a weekend or if I can come crash at your place :)

As scared as I am about these changes, I am also confident that this is where God wants me.  Over the last two years I have made a point of learning more about the workings of a head athletic trainer.  Mel has given me more responsibility and allowed me in on a few conversations to give me more insights into what a head AT does and the things they deal with.  I already know that my priority will be to make my staff and students successful, to give them the tools they need and to let God lead the way through me.  This is also a huge prayer point for me.    I will have constant reminders that God is good and will focus on that during my first few months as things are crazy busy.  Keep me in your prayers as this new adventure begins.

Blessings,

Jon

Focus on the Good

It's hard for me to believe that I haven't posted since December.  As I think back, its not that I haven't tried.  In fact, as I look at my draft box I have 6 drafts sitting in there waiting for me to push the "Publish" button.  So why haven't I posted anything?  I could use the excuse of being busy, but I've come to learn that you make time for the things you want to make time for.  Again, its not as if I haven't tried as evidence of my draft box.  Instead, I have been struggling to convey my current thoughts on world issues.  My blog was never meant to be a political pulpit.  In fact, as I have read back through earlier post, there is a sense of joy and hope in them.  Each one has an excitement about reconnecting and strengthening my walk with God and some challenges I was looking forward to attain that goal.

Most of the drafts I have were written after a very dark day in our nation in December.  I have been wrapped up in my job and to be honest, a lot of things have been going through my head that are challenging how I think about the world around me. I know the exact day when I started to struggle.  It was the day a 20 year old walked into a school and killed 26 people, including 20 innocent kids.  Kids that were the same age as my nephew.  A horrid day that I'm sure none of us will soon forget.  I've been struggling since that day trying to cope with the questions I'll never have answers to.  I was fortunate enough to see my dad in California soon after the Newton shooting and even though I knew a country was/is struggling with such a heinous act, it was comforting to talk about it with him and see that he was shaken by it as well.  After that I searched for answers and comfort in tangible things.  I was tired of thinking so instead I started to lose myself in work and TV.  It was easier to do the mindless things than to try to face what was going on in my mind.  Ever since then, I haven't checked the news without seeing horrible things happening.  Whether it be a car accident killing 5 teens, a child being raped, a baby being killed or another shooting taking the life of someone.  I am having trouble with humanity.  I am having trouble viewing my role in humanity.  I was able to hide my feelings as I usually do in the making sure I was too busy and tired to think about them.  Some people run away from their thoughts or things bothering them.  I just bury myself with other things.  In the end, all of those feelings about humanity resurfaced after the terror attack at the Boston Marathon.  I can't say I was prepared to deal with it, but somehow, someway I am in the process of dealing with all those feeling and then some.  I don't know why, but as soon as I heard about it, I stopped and prayed.  An hour later I prayed again.  I heard an acquaintance that was a physician the finish line so I prayed again.  Later that night I prayed again.  The day after I continued to pray for the victims and their families. I prayed for our leaders and the response we would have.  Most of all I prayed for understanding, knowing full well that I/we will never fully understand why people do these things.

Instead of God giving me understanding, He gave me comfort.  He quieted my heart and head so I could focus on Him.  It's not my job to understand why these things happen.  My job is to find God's love in it.  Its hard to see with all the carnage and news focusing on bloodshed, but it became very tangible as I read twitter (I know, social media right) and watched the videos of the bombs going off.  His love is seen in the police officers, spectators, first responders (including athletic trainers) and marathon runners running TO the explosion area to help.  It's those not knowing what dangers lie ahead, putting their lives in the way to help others.  Watching all those people try to help others brought to mind John 15:13.  It also brings up much deeper questions in me, but I'll spare you those, mostly because that would make me a bit vulnerable (a post soon to come).  In the end, my thoughts still lie with those affected by the many tragedies I have read about over the last 5 months.

My lesson has been to seek Him, to see Him even when its hard to find Him.  There have been various responses from various individual.  "Boston Strong" has become the rally cry for a city that will not let this incident deter its resolve.  If you haven't seen the National Anthem being sung by the crowd at the Boston Bruins Hockey game last night, check it out on YouTube.  I also loved the response by Patton Oswalt (Voice of Remy in Ratatouille) "The good will always out number the bad".  He was referencing all the people who ran towards the explosions to help victims.We have to remember that good will always win out.  There is still tons of good in this world.  The news would just rather talk about the bad.  I'm choosing to focus on the good of humanity, the goodness in the world and the greatness of God.