Burdens

As usual, this is the third time I've tried to express my thoughts in this blog.  The rewrites are killing me, but in the end, hopefully, it will be better for my 5 readers, 4 of which are family members.  It's been a rough few months.  There really isn't a better way to put it.  So much change has gone on.  You would think by now I would consider change the normal, but I can't.  I still struggle with it when it has a perceived negative effect on me or those around me.  Change in the last few months has involved the ending of a relationship, the moving on of a friend and mentor and the adding of another unknown for me.  I thought about bearing my soul in this blog, but as I have moved away from the pain, the hurt, the feeling of being alone, I realized those feelings were a result of me being selfish and not looking in the right direction.  I am working on living a life of transparency, but I don't feel like being vulnerable in a blog is really the kind of transparency I desire.  So I won't go into great detail about the issues, but focus more on the good things that have come out of them.

I guess the first discussion should be about my single life.  It was a big deal to announce via Facebook a that I was in a relationship.  I won't bore you with the details of how it all happened, but lets just say I was so excited to be in a relationship again.  It's something I have desired for a long time and I was very picky about who it was going to be.  The 4 months it lasted (Yes, I'm a counter) was awesome.  There were issues of course, but nothing that seemed to difficult to overcome.  It was emotionally intense and caused me to be extremely vulnerable, which, as many of you know, is tough for me to do.  As tough as it was, it was so good.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt a variety of emotions or at least let them show through.  I was happy, honestly happy and my co-workers, student's and athletes can attest to that.  Everyone's lives were made easier.  It was totally worth it to spend my 1 day a week (sometimes) in the Tri-cities continuing to work and grow a relationship to see where it would go.  Then all of a sudden that was finished.  The timing of the break up was less than ideal.  In fact, it was straight up shitty.  My stress level was already high and this just sent me into an emotional mess.  Yes, Jon Bosh was an emotional mess.  That's what relationship do to me and I couldn't be more thankful for that.  I spent 4 weeks in my own head trying to figure out what I did wrong.  In the end, which has taken me a while to accept, it wasn't anything I did or didn't do.  It just wasn't suppose to be.  This is where trust in God's plan comes in.  Once I realized this and spent some time with her again (we went to Wicked because I bought her tickets and she still wanted to go with me, another story for another time) I realized that as happy as I was with her, God has a bigger plan.  I'll be the first to say that I hate when people tell me that.  In fact, as we single people know, the saying "it's just not Gods timing yet" makes me want yell at the top of our lungs and it the moment is likley one of teh least hepful things that can be said eve if in the end it's so true.  I have so many things to be thankful for in that relationship.  It taught me about sacrifice, vulnerability, helped me find my emotions again (or at least be better at expressing them in healthy ways), joy, trust and so much more.  The benefits far outweighed the negatives.  Are there things I wished I did better?  Of course.  In the end I'm still sinful and, as I like to say, I still suck, but she helped me understand how to move on from that and be better.

The second huge stress during that 4 weeks was the AD search at Whitworth.  I can't go into much detail about it, but lets just say that for 3 days I didn't each much and slept even less.  My stomach was churning 24/7 with the thought that for the second time in as many years I was on a search committee that had a close personal friend as one of the finalist.  In the end, neither got the job.  There were parts of this search that hurt deep down, which is why I was so stressed.  It wasn't so much the weight of the decision, but more of my interaction with people during the process.  I walked away angry at times and hurt others.  In the end, God's will was done and I'm thankful for that.  It hurts to say goodbye to a friend and mentor in Mel, but I am excited to see her move into administration at a great institution next year.  This is another big lesson to trust in God's plan, that it is better than our own idea.

Over the course of the year I have forgotten how to deal with stress.  I finally had it worked out in 2012-2013 because life seemed to "normalize" a bit.  This year was just so different and the many, many things that happened completely caught me off guard and trying to learn to deal with the stress just took a back seat for a while.  These two situations in the 4 week time period were no different.  I actually regressed and dealt with stress very poorly.  I see that clearly now and am working diligently to fix the problems.  I think the thing that hit me the most and that I talked the most about was the loneliness feeling.  I've had the majority of my close friends move away in the last few years and each time I feel like I have to start over finding friends.  It's not that the friend that move away aren't still there for me, but its a proximity thing.  That only piled on the stress.  I wasn't sleeping through the night.  I was waking up ever couple of hours.  I was constantly sick, which NEVER happens.  I finally decided it was enough and I had to figure out how to deal with this stuff.  It helped that both the relationship ending and the AD search were done and had been for some time.  I'm a believer that time heals.  Well, it's at least a component.  The other is to give up.  Wait, did he just say give up?  I did.  I'm giving up on worrying about all this stuff.  I'm giving up letting it get to me.  I'm giving up taking it personal.  Why you ask?  Because in the end, it's not up to me.  God's plan is His plan.  It will be done no matter what I do.  Yes, I have free will and have decision to make, but through prayer, time in the word and time/conversations with friends will help lead me to those right choices.  As I stated in a previous blog, I choose the good and I choose to be happy with my circumstances.

I usually have some advice or something else to add at this point, but tonight, I don't.  I just want anyone reading this to choose to be good.  Choose happy and truly take those things in your life that are causing you strife and stress to the foot of the cross because Jesus is waiting.  He is waiting to bare that burden so you don't have to.  It's easier said than done, but I promise, if you can give it up to Him, the feeling is amazing.

Blessings,

Jon