I was at the University of Northern Colorado and struggling a lot. I was battling a case of depression from being alone, having my heart broken and making bad decisions. God was not giving me the answers I wanted to my prayers. School and work consumed all my time and the only time I felt “good” was when I was at the bars or drinking at home. I fell away from my faith, something that had been so important to me for years before. I found it easier to do what I wanted to do and not worry about what kind of life God wanted me to live. Through all this I became cold to those whom God has called me to love me most. Today, I joke with my students that I have no feelings because my heart is made of stone. In 2005, it was very true and came out in the ways I treated my athletes, co-workers and students. It was wrong. I was wrong, but did nothing to bring myself out of it. My time at Northern Colorado was filled with test; both the academic and spiritual. I failed miserably. Those failures led me to be a person who had no intention of loving my neighbor as myself. If you were to ask the students at UNCO about me, most would rightfully have horrible things to say about me. They would tell stories of how I yelled at them, was blatantly and intentionally mean to them and made them feel like they were 2 inches tall. I wielded my new authority with an iron fist and it was my way or get the hell out of my way. This also spilled over to my athletes to the point that I was no longer helping them, but became a deterrent in their healing process. Who wants to go to an athletic trainer that has no feelings of sorrow or empathy? Who wants to spend an hour a day with a guy that is straight up mean? By the time a year had past, I was no longer actively seeking a relationship with Jesus. Instead, I was doing the opposite. Hiding and doing everything I could that I knew was wrong. There were many times I felt like I had an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. I spent more time listening to the devil. This lasted for about a year before I started to slowly crawl out of the dark hole I had dug myself into. Thankfully our God is an awesome God and waited patiently for me to realize He was with me the whole time, always willing to help if I were willing to ask. My second year at UNCO was better from the standpoint of having friends, but I was still cold hearted and emotionless towards most around me. I didn’t realize exactly how bad I was until I went to Ghana and had lots of time to think about it. I was an awful human being, one who never even tried to love my neighbor. It was a very hard time of my life that I am recovering from today. One of the biggest issues was love. I had loved and been destroyed by the loss of it. I had a hard time thinking that I would ever be able to feel that again. And really, did I want to and have it destroy me again? It was easier to just be than to try to love those around me.
Now let’s look at today. Each year my students say the same thing to the new sophomores in our program and the freshman on the teams: “You guys are lucky, Bosh use to be so mean….” It seems to be the ongoing joke as my first year and my fifth year have looked completely different. The reappearance of emotion and love has come from a variety of sources.
The first was my dog Tag. Sounds weird, I know, but very true. Some of you will laugh and other will know exactly what I’m talking about. Its been said many times that dogs are the definition of unconditional love towards their masters. I’m lucky, Tag has unconditional love for everyone J. He is goofy. He loves the little things in life (chasing a ball or just being outside to run free). He makes me laugh out loud, which is weird knowing that its usually just him and I. He’ll run down a ball, but when the grass is wet, he slips and falls or does a somersault when running down a mountain in snow. He sighs when he is bored, which makes me laugh because I can only imagine what’s going on in his head. He greets me every time I come home with a tail wagging and can’t wait to just be around me. Talk about turning my heart from stone back to normal. I will freely admit that over the last 5 years, I’ve cried twice. Both of those were due to my dog. For me, it’s amazing to think how God used Tag to demonstrate the love I should be having for those around me.
The second thing that brought me back to the path was great friends. Some in Spokane and others scattered around the world. If it weren’t for their willingness to put up with me and my many faults, I wouldn’t be where I am in my faith journey. They have been encouragers, accountability partners and great listeners. As I posted in “30” friends have come and gone in my life, but in looking back, each have played a role in who I am today and the relationship I have with God.
The third is the big man himself. He never left my side as I struggled. He gave me numerous opportunities to let Him help me out of my problems, to depend on Him and not myself. Even though I rejected His helping hand numerous times, He continued to offer. He propped me up during hard times and has blessed my life with so much. I’ve said in other post the many things I’m thankful for so I won’t repeat it, but just know, God is good and His grace is forever thanks to the birth of Jesus Christ, the one who has made eternal life possible through his death on a cross. His birth, the reason we celebrate Christmas, is a reminder to me of the life I should live; one of love and acts of service. Serving not because I have to, but because I am called by the One who loves me to love others.
I guess my whole point in this is to let you know how much I’ve grown in one area of my life over the last 8 years. I’m sure if I wasn’t so stubborn and prideful, I would have learned much sooner :). I lived the quote above. I let my life’s problems ruin my ability to treat others with the love that God treats me with. I still struggle with it today, but not nearly like I use to. God willing, I’ll continue to grow in this area of my life and be able to teach others about the love and grace of God.
Blessings to you and yours during this wonderful holiday season.
Jon
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